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I was going through an old box the other day and I came across my old book. It's not a diary exactly, it's a book of poems, quotes, bible verses and sometimes personal little bits of my life. I started writing in this when I was eighteen. I wanted a book that got to the heart of me. I'm not good with the daily diary stuff, but I figured this could be something I wrote in at random times. A combination of things, not just from me, but quotes from other people or books that I enjoyed.
So, naturally I flipped through and read all of my old writings. Well, I came across one that I just had to share. This is a personal entry, written when I was twenty. I am going to quote it simply because I am writing word-for-word what I wrote eight years ago. Here it is.
"I just found out yesterday that I might have some type of tumor or cancer in my mouth. I have had a lump in the front part of my chin, below my bottom front teeth for a while now. At first the dentist thought it was an infection due to a trauma that I have had to my chin. The only problem is-I haven't had any trauma to my mouth. And now, because the infection won't go away after weeks of medications, I can see a look of worry/ pity on his face. He tries to hide it, but I see it. Yesterday I was sent to a specialist and he finally told me what I had been expecting to hear- that it might be some form of disease.
When I went to my mother-n-law's house I told her what was happening. Then she told me something I hadn't expected to hear. She said, "We just won't except that. We have our faith and we won't believe you have cancer, even if the doctor says you do."
Well, I was a little taken back by her response. I told her that just because I am a Christian does not mean I don't get cancer. She said it didn't matter. She still wasn't going to except that I could have cancer.
I left it alone. She still has a mind set that bad things shouldn't happen to good people. And when bad things happen to her, she does the whole- "Why me Lord?"
One time she told me if this is how God punishes her for the way she has lived, then she would hate to see how he would punish her if she had lived a bad life.
I don't say anything to her when she gets like that because I understand it is just her immaturity in Christ. She is just upset and that is her way of dealing with the bad.
I have a different way.
Where others might ask, "Why me?" I ask, "Why not me?" Actually it's more of a statement I tell myself when I have those "poor me" moments.
WHY NOT ME?! I am no better than the millions and billions of people that walk this earth. A lot of them have been born into horrible situations. I have been blessed. I have a passionate heart, and I love well. I love my Lord and I put my trust in him and all that he does.
Many people have suffered greatly. In fact, many GREAT PEOPLE have suffered GREATLY! Why should I feel that I am better or that I deserve better?
I believe bad things happen for a reason. They teach us lessons we may not have learned otherwise. They help us to grow stronger as a person. I also believe that God allows bad things to happen for a greater good that we may not see at that moment.
Jesus Christ, the greatest man to ever walk the face of this earth, died the most horrible death imaginable. Not only did he die a slow and painful death, but he died looking at faces full of hate. People he loved, wanted him to suffer.
God knew this was the only way. If Jesus had died an old man in his sleep, Christianity would not be the religion it is today. God did not love Jesus any less, nor was he punishing him. It was the only way and Jesus knew this. So he willingly surrendered to the will of God.
Who am I to ask for anything better? If God has chosen me to bare this burden, then I will bare it with honor, knowing there is a purpose. I will not ask, "Why me Lord?" I will hold my head high and say, "Why not me?"
If Jesus suffered for a greater good, and God wills it I do too, then I will surrender my body to him.
This doesn't mean I am throwing in the towel and picking out a coffin. I will fight and never give up. But I will not question God's motives. May God's will be done."
Now in case some of you are wondering...It did turn out to be a tumor. I had a biopsy and it took them a month to diagnose the tumor because it is pretty rare. In the mean time-while they were figuring out what the heck it was-the tumor continued to grow rapidly and painfully. It suffocated my teeth because it was wrapped around the roots. I ended up having 6 root canals, from canine to canine, but finally they gave me the news that it was a benign-tumor called 'Central Giant Cell Granuloma'. I call it CGCG. They immediately removed it, but a few months later it was back with avengence. Over the course of a year I had six root canals, one biopsy, and three surgeries to remove the aggressive tumor.
Normally this tumor is very non-aggressive and non-painful, but I guess I'm just special like that : ) So I am happy to report I still have all my teeth, though I had root canals they were able to cut around the teeth and leave them in for the surgeries : ) And I no longer look like Jay Leno (I was pretty jacked up looking with my giant tumor chin).
It has been seven years since the tumor has returned, and I did learn many things from that experience. I had remained in an abusive marraige for far too long, and this was my wake-up call from God. My life could be over tomorrow and this was no way to live. He had more in store for me than to remain where I was. I got my dog and got out of there, and life has continued to get better. I remarried four years later to an amzing man and we have two wonderful children. Had I not had my wake up call, I would still be punishing myself for marrying the wrong man-by staying with the wrong man.
One of my favorite quotes is-- "Life is what you make of it, not what it makes of you." -Author unknown