I've revised my query to show more of my story's depth. I feel like the original is vague. Here is my latest attempt. I think it might be too long, and I'm scared to tell an agent there are 2 pov's... Any tips, comments, advice...all are welcome.
Samael is creating an army to rule over the planet. Most people on Satus have no idea about the war going on around them. If they don't have supernatural powers then they are of no value, good or bad. If they do have powers, and Samael learns of this, they will be hunted down and given a choice- join or die.
Gabe's family is discovered for their abilities and attacked. He and his little sister just barely escape, thanks to his gifted, best friend Rhet who came to the rescue. Gabe's parents weren't so lucky and were murdered. And now Rhet is missing.
Rhet is the one Samael has been hunting all this time. Rhet is captured, but isn't given the same options as the others. His choices are- join- or everyone you ever loved will die. He faces many trials and temptations while in Samael's clutches. With Rhet in his grasp, Samael will do anything to turn him- offer anything. What Samael doesn't know is that Rhet has his own motives, something much greater than Samael could ever offer.
Gabe, at just sixteen, is left to care for his six-year-old sister. A pair of Samael’s men, posed as cops, tries to snatch him from the hospital, but an unexpected ally comes to his aid. A pint-sized woman named Maria rips into them, using her own supernatural powers, but not before finding out that Rhet is still alive and being held prisoner.
Desperate to rescue his friend, Gabe accepts her help and she takes him and his sister into hiding. What he didn't know was that he’d be living with a group of obnoxious teens she's rescued, each with their own special power and tragic story of Samael's reign. Getting along with this group will prove a challenge.
Soon he discovers there is more that binds him to this band of questionable heroes than the common enemy they share. Angry at the world and having trouble trusting, Gabe must get control of his temper to harness his supernatural abilities and fight alongside this liege of gifted misfits. They might be his only chance at saving Rhet. The only problem is he can't seem to stop fighting against them.
UNYIELDING, is a YA high fantasy. Complete at 62,000 words, this novel puts a unique spin on the classic story of the 40 days of temptation Christ suffered. This tale weaves through the forty days, showing Gabe's trials some days, and other days tell of Rhet's suffering. The two pov's give this story strength since these characters are in two separate places it allows the reader to connect with both of them and their struggles. This story will appeal to fans of The Lord of the Rings because of its symbolic nature and dark, battle scenes.
UNYIELDING is my first completed novel. I have won a blog contest for a scene in this story and my first chapter is soon to be published as a flash fiction piece on an agent’s blog, Glass Cases. This is a multiple submission.
Here's my original.....
Being a clumsy, hot-tempered, seventeen-year-old boy who sparks lightning from his hands anytime he gets upset isn’t ideal. But when Gabe awakes in a hospital from a brutal beating which left him unconscious, he finds his world shattered. A man named Samael and his legion of followers are on a rampage for power over the planet Satus. Gabe’s parents stood in their way and were murdered. His best friend Rhet was in the wrong place and is now missing.
A pint-sized woman named Maria comes to his rescue when a pair of Samael’s men, posed as cops, tries to snatch him from the hospital. Using her own supernatural powers she rips into them, kung fu style, but not before finding out that Rhet is still alive and being held prisoner by Samael.
Desperate to rescue his friend, Gabe accepts her help and she takes him into hiding to begin training for war. What he didn’t know was he’d be living with a group of obnoxious teens she's rescued, each with their own special power and tragic story. They might be his only chance at saving Rhet. The only problem is, Gabe can't seem to stop fighting against them.
UNYIELDING, is a YA high fantasy. Complete at 62,000 words, this novel puts a unique spin on the classic story of the 40 days of temptation Christ suffered, but written from the POV of a hot headed disciple.
My first chapter of UNYIELDING is soon to be published as a flash fiction piece on an agent’s blog, Glass Cases.