August 29, 2013


I get discouraged from time to time. I'm only human and there are days when I have doubts about my memoir and whether it will ever see the light of day.

Patience has never been a strength of mine. It's something God's teaching me. DAILY. I truly believe God is testing my heart and motivations. And I'm okay with that. I need to continuously check my heart and motivations myself so I don't get off track because it's so easy in this world to forget my purpose. It's so easy to make this journey about me. And it's not about me. It's all about Him.

So how do I keep my heart in check?

It goes a little something like this.

Me: I'm ready for my memoir to be published. NOW. It's been over a year. I feel like it'll never happen.

The Holy Spirit: God's timing is better than yours.

Me: Yeah, I know, I know. But what if God never plans on letting my memoir be published?

The Holy Spirit: Why did you write this memoir?

Me: To honor God.

The Holy Spirit: And have you honored God by writing it?

Me: Yes.

The Holy Spirit: Then why does it need to be published? Remember, success in His eyes is different than "worldly" success.

Me: But I want to help other girls who might be going through hard times.

The Holy Spirit: Then do it now by growing in THE WORD daily so when the time comes you are wise in the ways of the Lord. God will not send you out there until you are ready. Work on yourself and let God take care of the rest.

JEREMIAH 29:11 For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.

MATTHEW 6:21 For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

PHILIPPIANS 4:11 Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content.

I have to remind myself DAILY why I'm on this narrow road that seems to be an uphill climb with no end in sight. If I let this become about me, money, and success, then I've failed He who sent me.

And there are days, like yesterday, when God gives me a glimpse of the glory that is found in Him.

I received an email yesterday. For the sake of privacy I'm going to paraphrase the first sentence. The rest is word for word.


Last evening I spoke with a girl who was raped a couple of years ago. 

I asked her if she ever thought she’d be put back together. She just looked at me with this look of utter amazement. “I get it,” I said. “Sometimes, you have to be perfectly broken, you know?” Almost like floodgates she opened up about the feelings of shame, self-loathing and fear which gave way for the discussion about how those things could be replaced with total freedom in Christ. My heart nearly broke when she said, “Sometimes I’m not sure. He knows I’m no good too.”

Right then and there, I told her that I just didn’t believe my Father made junk. I told her about the book you’d written and about how we hoped the story was not about the sadness but the strength we’re all allowed. I’m not joking, I watched this kid change in front of me. “I don’t ever want anyone to feel like I’ve felt,” she said.

God is good. God is so much bigger than my doubts. He doesn't need my memoir to be published to use it. To know all my hard work is being used to help someone gives me such a deep joy I could never put into words. I've always told myself--If my memoir helps just one person it was worth it!! And now it has!

And to the girl, I will pray for you daily. I believe God has a purpose for all of us, even when we feel like He's forgotten us. The most important thing I can tell you is what someone once told me, "I don't have all the answers, but I know where they are found. The Bible has the answers you need." And if you lean on Jesus for strength, He will rebuild you in ways you never dreamed of.



Elizabeth Seckman said...

Whenever I get a bout of the impatience, I remind myself that God has never failed me and opens and closes the doors that are in my best interest. I still get that racing brain syndrome, but thinking like you do clams me!

Amber said...

@Elizabeth--I totally get it. I have to have these "pep" talks daily and I have to read my Bible daily. Otherwise, the negative thoughts take over. I know He has a purpose for it all. I just have to have faith and trust His judgement.