May 25, 2012

Wilde's Fire Editor judged contest

Today there is a fun and helpful bloghop. Sharon over at The Blue Word is hosting Wilde's Fire Editor Judged Contest. You post your query and first 500 words, then hop around and comment on the other entries.....THEN on the 28th you get to repost with any changes that may have been suggested and the editor for Wilde's Fire will come around and judge/ possibly pick any entries she likes and put in a request. Sounds like fun, right? Here's my entry :)


GENRE: YA high fantasy
TITLE: UNYIELDING 






When Gabe’s best friend is kidnapped, he will risk everything to save him, even if it means starting an intergalactic war.

Gabe is seventeen, clumsy, and as hot-headed as a match. Lightning powers and a short fuse aren’t exactly a good combination. But when his parents are murdered and his best friend Rhet is kidnapped by the mayor of Shaoc, Gabe’s anger and power are exactly what he needs for rescue and revenge. It might also be his undoing.

On his quest Gabe meets a pint-sized woman with warrior skills. When she saves him from an assassin he finds a very useful ally.  They flee the over-populated, high-tech city to a hidden cave she calls home. What Gabe didn't know was that her home is full of misfit teens she's rescued, each with their own powers and tragic story of the mayor’s reign. They are planning a rebellion and Gabe must learn to yield a sword and fight if he is ever to save Rhet, but he can’t stop fighting against these intergalactic strays long enough to fight along-side of them. In this cave full of emotionally damaged teens it is hard to differentiate friend from foe. A crush threatens to distract, and a betrayal might end them all.

Time is running out for Rhet. War is inevitable.

UNYIELDING is a YA high fantasy and is complete at 62,000 words. It is a cross between I am Number Four by Pittacus Lore and Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children by Ransom Riggs. The first chapter of UNYIELDING has been published as a fantasy flash fiction excerpt on an agent’s blog, Sarah LaPolla’s- Glass Cases. http://bigglasscases.blogspot.com/2012/05/unyielding.htm
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*             *             *

Glass shattered, piercing the silence of night. Gabe leapt from bed in a state of panic and his blankets tackled him to the floor. Flailing around, he wrestled unsuccessfully with the materials.

Pins and needles pricked in his palms.  Not again!  He froze and took a slow breath, trying to settle his anxiety to keep from setting his covers ablaze. His power calmed. 

He broke free and sprang up. What was that?  Gabe stared at his open door, searching for signs of movement beyond his room. 

The house slept.  Silent.

Good, it was just a dream. 

No sooner had the thought entered his mind, a shadow dashed through his door.  Before there was time to react to the potential danger, she was at his side, arms outstretched.

“Sis…” he said, exhaling a deep breath.  “Why are you out of bed?”  He bent over and picked up the frightened, little girl.

“The noise scared me,” Kyla whimpered, wrapping her legs tightly around his waist and throwing her arms about his neck.

She heard it too!  His throat clenched shut. What should I do?  Did Mom and Dad hear it?    

He attempted to lower the six-year-old to the ground, but she squeezed tighter, moaning.

Suddenly the house shook, booming as if a rocket had barreled through the living room.  A scream shot up the stairs.

Mom!

Kyla cried out.  Gabe clasped his hand to her mouth and darted to the safety of his closet. He pealed her from his waist, placed her on the ground and began ripping shirts from their hangers in a frantic effort to hide her.  “I’m going to see what’s happening,” he whispered, swallowing hard against the lump in his throat.

“No,” she bellowed, trying to wiggle out from her shelter.

“I’ll be right back.”  He hoped.  “But I need you to stay here.” 

He finished packing her in then knelt.  Her deep, brown eyes streamed with tears, stabbing his heart with each droplet.  He longed for words to comfort her, but what do you say to a six-year-old in a time like this?  “You can’t make a sound no matter what you hear.”  He gulped, fighting the tears.  “Okay?”  

She nodded somberly, grabbing the nearest shirt to wipe her nose. 

He kissed her forehead, whispered, “I love you,” and scurried out the small closet, quietly shutting the door behind him. 

Slowly he crept out his room and down the hall, avoiding each creek in the floor by memory as he made his way to the top of the staircase. 

He made it a few steps down when-

“Gabriyel,” a man’s voice called to him.

His eyes shot wide.  Who? Nobody called him by his full name.  How did this person know it was him?

“I’m glad you finally worked up the courage to join us,” the voice taunted.  “Please come and sit with your parents?”

“NO!” his mother screeched.

At the sound of her anguish Gabe sprang into action, forgetting his fears. 

17 comments:

tueremorton said...

This sounds pretty fun, like a teenage Avengers :) Good luck in the contest!

Ink in the Book said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Ink in the Book said...

I am hooked. I have to know what is going on! I am a family girl and when little sister and mom are in danger I will stay interested. But that's just me:) From the query I gather there is a best friend involved and this furthers my interest because strong relationships are very important to me. I look forward to seeing this in print one day!

Gwen Gardner said...

That was so tension-filled. I think I held my breath the whole time! Well done and good luck in the contest.

Only one thing: "creek" should be "creak."

Jade Hart said...

Yay :) Everytime I read your MS it changes subtly to become sharper, fiercer and scarier :) I love Gabe's voice in this :) Go girl

Kimberly Gabriel said...

Now I'm going to have to visit Glass Cases to see what happens next. Very intense opening scene! Well done! I love the twists and turns your query takes too. It sounds like an action packed MS. I would very quickly pick this book up. I just joined your blog - good luck to you in the contest!

Sharon Bayliss said...

You know I love your first 500! So I don't have much new to say. :) Your query is looking great. Best of luck!

Amber said...

Thank you everyone for your comments! I have had a crazy couple of days, but I will be around tomorrow to read everyones' entries :)

meredithmansfield said...

The third paragraph of the query feels a little dense to me. Also, it's wield a sword, not yield.

The first 500 is fast-paced and exciting. Give it a careful read through though. There are several places where you missed prepositions like of -- get out OF the closet.

Nicole Zoltack said...

Oh, I liked this! Good luck!

C.M.Brown said...

This is great, I really enjoyed reading it, good luck!

mindthagap said...

This looks great! I liked the tension and the action. There were a few lines where your wording pulled me out of the story a little. "materials" to describe the blanket, and "picked up the frightened little girl" This feels formal after calling her Sis. That's all I've got for you, Good luck on the contest!

Jessa Russo (Stadtler) said...

My favorite line of the query is this: "... and as hot-headed as a match." What a fantastic comparison!!!

I loved your first 500. So much tension in such a short amount of time!

Good luck in the contest!

Larissa said...

Wow. That's a very action-packed first 500! Congrats and good luck in the contest! :)

Hope Roberson said...

Another query version :) This is great coming from his POV and leaving an excellent sinker at the end for Rhet, nicely done! And love the action in this story, awesome!

elizabeth seckman said...

Best of luck!!!

Rebekah Loper said...

Love the first 500 words, but I'm baffled as to why you don't mention the sister at all in the query. Does she die with the parents too? If not, I'd think that would be important to know, since she's influential at the beginning.