GENRE: YA high fantasy
TITLE: UNYIELDING
When Gabe’s best friend
is kidnapped, he will risk everything to save him, even if it means starting an
intergalactic war.
Gabe is seventeen,
clumsy, and as hot-headed as a match. Lightning powers and a short fuse aren’t
exactly a good combination. But when his parents are murdered and his best
friend Rhet is kidnapped by the mayor of Shaoc, Gabe’s anger and power are
exactly what he needs for rescue and revenge. It might also be his undoing.
On his quest Gabe
meets a pint-sized woman with warrior
skills. When she saves him from an assassin he finds a very useful ally. They flee the over-populated, high-tech city to a hidden cave she calls
home. What Gabe didn't know was
that her home is full of misfit teens she's rescued, each with their own powers
and tragic story of the mayor’s reign. They are planning a rebellion and Gabe
must learn to yield a sword and fight if he is ever to save Rhet, but he can’t
stop fighting against these intergalactic strays long enough to fight
along-side of them. In this cave full of emotionally damaged teens it is hard
to differentiate friend from foe. A crush threatens to distract, and a betrayal
might end them all.
Time is running out for
Rhet. War is inevitable.
UNYIELDING is a YA high fantasy and is complete at 62,000 words. It is
a cross between I am Number Four by
Pittacus Lore and Miss Peregrine’s Home
for Peculiar Children by Ransom Riggs. The first
chapter of UNYIELDING has been
published as a fantasy flash fiction excerpt on an agent’s blog, Sarah
LaPolla’s- Glass Cases. http://bigglasscases.blogspot.com/2012/05/unyielding.htm
l
* * *
Glass shattered, piercing the
silence of night. Gabe leapt from bed in a state of panic and his blankets
tackled him to the floor. Flailing around, he wrestled unsuccessfully with the
materials.
Pins and needles pricked in his
palms. Not again! He froze and took
a slow breath, trying to settle his anxiety to keep from setting his covers
ablaze. His power calmed.
He broke free and sprang up. What
was that? Gabe stared at his open door, searching for signs of
movement beyond his room.
The house slept. Silent.
Good, it was just a dream.
No sooner had the thought entered
his mind, a shadow dashed through his door.
Before there was time to react to the potential danger, she was at his
side, arms outstretched.
“Sis…” he said, exhaling a deep
breath. “Why are you out of bed?” He bent over and picked
up the frightened, little girl.
“The noise scared me,” Kyla
whimpered, wrapping her legs tightly around his waist and throwing her arms
about his neck.
She heard it too! His throat clenched shut. What should I
do? Did Mom and Dad hear it?
He attempted to lower the six-year-old
to the ground, but she squeezed tighter, moaning.
Suddenly the house shook, booming as
if a rocket had barreled through the living room. A scream shot up the stairs.
Mom!
Kyla cried out.
Gabe clasped his hand to her mouth and darted to the safety of his
closet. He pealed her from his waist, placed her on the ground and began
ripping shirts from their hangers in a frantic effort to hide her. “I’m going to see what’s happening,” he
whispered, swallowing hard against the lump in his throat.
“No,” she bellowed, trying to wiggle out from
her shelter.
“I’ll be right back.” He hoped.
“But I need you to stay here.”
He finished packing her in then knelt. Her deep, brown eyes streamed with tears,
stabbing his heart with each droplet. He
longed for words to comfort her, but what do you say to a six-year-old in a
time like this? “You can’t make a sound
no matter what you hear.” He gulped,
fighting the tears. “Okay?”
She nodded somberly, grabbing the nearest
shirt to wipe her nose.
He kissed her forehead, whispered, “I love
you,” and scurried out the small closet, quietly shutting the door behind
him.
Slowly he crept out his room and down the
hall, avoiding each creek in the floor by memory as he made his way to the top
of the staircase.
He made it a few steps down when-
“Gabriyel,” a man’s voice called to him.
His eyes shot wide. Who? Nobody called him by his full name. How did this person know it was him?
“I’m glad you finally worked up the courage to
join us,” the voice taunted. “Please
come and sit with your parents?”
“NO!” his mother screeched.
At the sound of her anguish Gabe sprang into action,
forgetting his fears.
17 comments:
This sounds pretty fun, like a teenage Avengers :) Good luck in the contest!
I am hooked. I have to know what is going on! I am a family girl and when little sister and mom are in danger I will stay interested. But that's just me:) From the query I gather there is a best friend involved and this furthers my interest because strong relationships are very important to me. I look forward to seeing this in print one day!
That was so tension-filled. I think I held my breath the whole time! Well done and good luck in the contest.
Only one thing: "creek" should be "creak."
Yay :) Everytime I read your MS it changes subtly to become sharper, fiercer and scarier :) I love Gabe's voice in this :) Go girl
Now I'm going to have to visit Glass Cases to see what happens next. Very intense opening scene! Well done! I love the twists and turns your query takes too. It sounds like an action packed MS. I would very quickly pick this book up. I just joined your blog - good luck to you in the contest!
You know I love your first 500! So I don't have much new to say. :) Your query is looking great. Best of luck!
Thank you everyone for your comments! I have had a crazy couple of days, but I will be around tomorrow to read everyones' entries :)
The third paragraph of the query feels a little dense to me. Also, it's wield a sword, not yield.
The first 500 is fast-paced and exciting. Give it a careful read through though. There are several places where you missed prepositions like of -- get out OF the closet.
Oh, I liked this! Good luck!
This is great, I really enjoyed reading it, good luck!
This looks great! I liked the tension and the action. There were a few lines where your wording pulled me out of the story a little. "materials" to describe the blanket, and "picked up the frightened little girl" This feels formal after calling her Sis. That's all I've got for you, Good luck on the contest!
My favorite line of the query is this: "... and as hot-headed as a match." What a fantastic comparison!!!
I loved your first 500. So much tension in such a short amount of time!
Good luck in the contest!
Wow. That's a very action-packed first 500! Congrats and good luck in the contest! :)
Another query version :) This is great coming from his POV and leaving an excellent sinker at the end for Rhet, nicely done! And love the action in this story, awesome!
Best of luck!!!
Love the first 500 words, but I'm baffled as to why you don't mention the sister at all in the query. Does she die with the parents too? If not, I'd think that would be important to know, since she's influential at the beginning.
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