I guess I'm just a sucker for punishment :) But I figure with the query process drawing near, having a strong first chapter is essential! So I joined in the 'hook, line, and sinker' blogfest.
JW Parente is holding his 2nd annual
Hook, Line and Sinker blogfest. Read, comment and have fun.
The rules are:
Date: February 13, 2012
Where: In My Write Mind blog, and your own
Objective: Post your 500-1000 word hook and critique other hooks posted by participants
Suggestive topics to consider when critiquing:
- Does the character have a personality I can fall into easily? This includes any dialogue exchanged.
- Is the world around them set up to compliment the character as they're introduced?
- Are there secondary characters to assist with the hook?
- Lastly, would I read more?
Here is my first chapter- and I love honest feed back, please don't feel like you have to hold my hand!
ONE
The first battle
Glass shattered, piercing the silence of night. Gabe leapt from his bed in a state of panic and his blankets tackled him to the floor. He flailed around, wrestling the material in a chaotic display of acrobatics; at just sixteen, his enormous feet and lanky limbs were the perfect recipe for an uncoordinated, clumsy teen. Finally he broke free and sprung up, alert.
What was that!? He stared at his opened door, the white of his eyes contrasting his raven skin, camouflaged to the dark of his room.
The world outside was fast asleep. Silent.
Good, it was just a dream.
No sooner had the thought entered his mind, a small shadow darted from the hallway toward him. Before he had time to react, she was at his side, eyes wide with alarm.
“Sis,” he said, exhaling a deep breath. “Why are you out of bed?” He bent over and picked up the frightened, little girl.
“The noise scared me,” she whimpered, wrapping her legs tightly around his waist and throwing her arms about his neck.
She heard it too! Anxiety quickened his heart. What should I do? Did mom and dad hear it?
He attempted to lower the six year old to the ground, but she was having none of it. Squeezing tighter, she moaned fearfully, pleading with him.
Suddenly the house shook, filling the halls with booming sounds, as if a car just barreled through their living room.
His sister screamed and instantly he clasped his hand to her mouth then darted to the safety of his closet.
“I’m going to go see what the noises are, but I’ll be right back,” he whispered, placing her on the ground as he began ripping shirts from their hangers to pile around her.
“No,” she begged, trying to wiggle from her barricade.
“Don’t worry. I’ll be right back. But I need you to stay here.” He rushed and finished packing her in then knelt down. Her brown eyes streamed with tears, and he wished he could comfort her. “How about we play a game? Umm…, oh I know.” He forced a smile. “Let’s pretend you’re a princess.” It was her favorite game and Gabe hated himself in that moment for deciding two years ago he was too ‘cool’ to play it anymore. “We’ll pretend you’re trapped in the closet. And you can’t come out, or make a single sound until I come and rescue you.” He gulped, fighting the tears. “Okay?”
She nodded somberly, grabbing the nearest shirt to wipe her gushing nose.
He kissed her forehead, whispered, “I love you,” and scurried out the small closet, quietly shutting the door behind him.
Slowly he crept out his room and down the hall, silently avoiding each creek in the floor by memory as he made his way to the top of the staircase.
He made it a few steps down when-
“Gabriyel,” a strange, dark voice called to him.
His eyes shot wide. Who?
“I’m glad you finally worked up the nerve to join us,” the voice taunted. “Please come and sit with your parents?”
“NO!” his mother screeched.
At the sound of her anguish Gabe sprang into action, forgetting his fears. He bounded down the remaining stairs and charged into the dining room ready for a fight.
Rushing in, he screeched to a halt, unprepared for the tragedy of the scene before him.
The dining room was demolished. Remains of what use to be their table were scattered into pieces around the room, along with the fragments of plates and glass littering the floor.
But all were minuscule in comparison to the sight of his parents, lying on the blood soaked rug on their side, hands and feet roped behind their backs.
The top of his father’s head held a large gash, oozing blood, with a sliver of skull peeking through. His mother’s face was deformed from the beatings. Her lip puffed with fresh crimson seeping out and her eyes were swollen shut from the excessive blows.
The man glared at Gabe while he wiped his fist with a red-stained cloth to remove the blood from the latest blow he’d given to Gabe’s mother.
Any fears were immediately stifled as anger readily stepped forward to the frontal lobes of Gabe's brain, bringing its closest friends- wrath and rage.
His fury boiled to a deadly intensity and it exploded out of him. He flung himself through the air at the man who just hit his mother.
Only one thought was running through his mind. I will kill you.
He could hear screams from his parents, begging him to be careful, but the madness inside had been released and it needed to be satisfied.
He drew back his right arm and launched it with all of his strength. Swinging through the air, his fist collided with the indestructible face of his opponent and instantly every bone in his hand shattered. Agony shot up his arm and he faltered, but only for a moment. Gabe sprung again, reaching with both hands and wrapping them around the man’s throat, neglecting the torture of his broken bones. His right hand was worthless, unbending and rapidly swelling, but he held it there, while his left hand squeezed.
The man’s lips curled as if enjoying this. He hadn’t flinched when Gabe charged him, and even now he seemed unfazed.
His pride was foolish.
Gabe pumped electricity through his body, willing the energy from every cell to funnel through his palms, into the villain’s neck.
The assailant stared at Gabe, eyebrows raised in horror. Lifting his hand, he placed it on Gabe’s face, and his eyes narrowed, the corners of his lips rising deviously.
Gabe’s warm skin pricked in reaction to the cold hand. He sucked a breath and braced for the impact of what was to come, never releasing his grip.
If I die, you’re coming with me.
This gets me just shy of the 1000 word limit, so I'll stop here. If you have read this far then either you really love me, or you really loved my chapter. Either way--thank you for reading, and I would love ANY feedback!!!
Today is the day for my query to be introduced over at the amazing blog of Matt's. If you aren't already following him you need to do so now!! His query critiques are so wonderful. Go there right now and check out my query!...Okay that was pretty demanding. Would you please hop over to Matt's Blog (<---click here)and check it out? (Better?)
I am pretty excited to have my query up for others to read, but I must admit it is a bit terrifying :/ I can just envision all of the red ink tomorrow. hehe... But in all honesty, I'm just thrilled to be one step closer to getting my wip in shape for querying.
